Tips for Parents of Teens

Many parents of teenagers resolve to be calmer, wiser and more empathetic. For many parents, this is hard to do. These three tips may be difficult, but if you manage to achieve them, they really are effective.

Try to significantly restrain the urge to nag. No one likes a nag. And it won’t create the proper environment for trust and proper communication. If you are always reminding, cajoling or pestering your teen, they’ll immediately cringe and get defensive. And once they put up that wall, it will block any chance of you and your teen having real communication. Try just being with them – you and them in the same place with no purpose. Hang out, be cool, allow them to learn on their own the errors of their ways. Let them come to you when they need advice, instead of feeling the urge to tell them what to do.

Don’t try to correct every flaw. An example of less than desirable behavior does not require an impromptu remedial lecture on how bad it is and how necessary it is that they change. This type of reproach contributes to what I call the In One Ear And Out The Other Syndrome. They may not actually say it out loud, but they’re certainly saying to themselves, “Blah, blah, blah.” Your words have zero effect. You get frustrated. You try harder. They get nasty. The whole thing becomes an unpleasant mess.

Realize that at this stage you cannot change who your teenager is. But often you don’t need to. Much of what you have taught is already a part of them. It’s just that most of the good traits – which are in there – don’t reappear until they are older, more mature. It’s the miracle that comes with young adulthood. You can make a comment if you wish, and deal with the behavior, but then drop it. Don’t get caught up in the lesson. That will lead only to frustration – on both sides.

Remember, your teens don’t need to agree with you. If you’re taking a stand they don’t like, don’t try to get them to understand your rationale. This is the No. 1 cause of unpleasantness between a parent and teen. You cannot convince them. You want to be reasonable in dealing with your teenager. You want your child to understand so they won’t be mad at you. But this is futile, because they will be mad unless you totally reverse your decision. Realize that if you make an unpopular decision, you will be unpopular. But trying to get them to see your point is only pouring fuel on the fire.

The teenage years are the formidable years where children grow to become adults. They’re testing things out, and finding themselves. Allow them the space and the freedom to explore those feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Show them a little empathy, and you’ll find that they aren’t more devious and rebellious than you were.